Today, just this morning, I received an email that said nothing. It didn't contain words of thanks, nor a good riddance. It offered no clarity or clarification. It wasn't warm but like something 'on the rocks' I heard the tinkle of ice. It wanted itself to be had, whenever it wanted to be had, and left alone when it didn't want a bother.
It left a feeling woman perplexed and hurt.
I can't remember if I loved the sender 30 years ago as I do today. I can't even remember if we made love. All I can remember is that with my teenage vocabulary and my awkward ways I loved him then.
All this long ago teenager woman knows now, is that she sometimes pushes things away she hates or loves the most. She is thankful, O so grateful that she notices this propensity fast. Fast enough to hold onto what she doesn't want lost; learning fast and never looking back when things need to go.
Here is what I do remember about myself way back then. I brought my girlfriend over to you because she was older, more experienced, eager in a willy-nilly way, that I am not. She liked 'getting laid', I don't. I like relationships where I get to fuck someone I love. And who loves me back. I brought her over because I loved you in my infantile way. She was a present.
And I remember this: I remember that afternoon because you said: I don't know why I am going and not staying with you.
I know.
I was too young. Had you stayed I would never have received this email from you this morning that made blood rush to my face because I was that teenager, and life would have required you to do your best and eventually leave because I was a wild thing. An uncontrollable thing. A girl who wasn't ready to love you as I am now.
Go about your ways Daniel Francis. Go off and wander Killarney. Wander around your sea of locals you left once already. Did you plan on dying where you hate it the most? Swim in the sea staying fit and enjoy your health alone. Swim amongst the white caps and wee mist, swim until you are fit to understand that what I feel for you may be what you wanted the most. Swim like the blind, never seeing I would leave Mexico for the cliffs of the Irish Sea. Swim like the smug, sure everyone imagines you buff as you emerge from the sea foam. Swim yourself through life without me.
My young tongue could not offer comfort. My young body could not eloquently entice. But my old soul watched and was only able to record what was felt.
I could blame you for a lot of things, (if I were so inclined). I could blame you for not training and loving me into what you wanted. But the blame would be farfetched. You did the right thing. But I am no longer wee and my grey's match yours. We are equal now with the experiences of life. I have 90 reasons to say no, but I say yes to you.
This is what you don't know. This is what you don't get. I left you to be with another older man. I like older men. I've liked them since I was wee. Now I'm older… what constitutes an older man? Do I still say 'an older man' (now that I am old), or do I, like you are, say, 'one foot in the grave?' How do I explain to you that every single person I have ever met in my life I have felt responsible to? We don't talk for many years? It doesn't matter: I met you, we spent significant time together, possibly we stopped talking? It doesn't matter to me. You are a part of my life which is closer to the end than the beginning. I met you at the beginning. I will be gobsmacked and lucky if I can exit seeing and smiling with the same faces I came into my prime with. I don't think about those I haven't met yet, I think about you. You are tangible and my memory of you comes with sweetness.
If you are hard now and too blistered by 'The Troubles' of your own making, then be gone with you. Don't you dare leave a feeling woman perplexed and hurt. Perplexed, hurt and alone. Don't you dare Daniel Francis.
It left a feeling woman perplexed and hurt.
I can't remember if I loved the sender 30 years ago as I do today. I can't even remember if we made love. All I can remember is that with my teenage vocabulary and my awkward ways I loved him then.
All this long ago teenager woman knows now, is that she sometimes pushes things away she hates or loves the most. She is thankful, O so grateful that she notices this propensity fast. Fast enough to hold onto what she doesn't want lost; learning fast and never looking back when things need to go.
Here is what I do remember about myself way back then. I brought my girlfriend over to you because she was older, more experienced, eager in a willy-nilly way, that I am not. She liked 'getting laid', I don't. I like relationships where I get to fuck someone I love. And who loves me back. I brought her over because I loved you in my infantile way. She was a present.
And I remember this: I remember that afternoon because you said: I don't know why I am going and not staying with you.
I know.
I was too young. Had you stayed I would never have received this email from you this morning that made blood rush to my face because I was that teenager, and life would have required you to do your best and eventually leave because I was a wild thing. An uncontrollable thing. A girl who wasn't ready to love you as I am now.
Go about your ways Daniel Francis. Go off and wander Killarney. Wander around your sea of locals you left once already. Did you plan on dying where you hate it the most? Swim in the sea staying fit and enjoy your health alone. Swim amongst the white caps and wee mist, swim until you are fit to understand that what I feel for you may be what you wanted the most. Swim like the blind, never seeing I would leave Mexico for the cliffs of the Irish Sea. Swim like the smug, sure everyone imagines you buff as you emerge from the sea foam. Swim yourself through life without me.
My young tongue could not offer comfort. My young body could not eloquently entice. But my old soul watched and was only able to record what was felt.
I could blame you for a lot of things, (if I were so inclined). I could blame you for not training and loving me into what you wanted. But the blame would be farfetched. You did the right thing. But I am no longer wee and my grey's match yours. We are equal now with the experiences of life. I have 90 reasons to say no, but I say yes to you.
This is what you don't know. This is what you don't get. I left you to be with another older man. I like older men. I've liked them since I was wee. Now I'm older… what constitutes an older man? Do I still say 'an older man' (now that I am old), or do I, like you are, say, 'one foot in the grave?' How do I explain to you that every single person I have ever met in my life I have felt responsible to? We don't talk for many years? It doesn't matter: I met you, we spent significant time together, possibly we stopped talking? It doesn't matter to me. You are a part of my life which is closer to the end than the beginning. I met you at the beginning. I will be gobsmacked and lucky if I can exit seeing and smiling with the same faces I came into my prime with. I don't think about those I haven't met yet, I think about you. You are tangible and my memory of you comes with sweetness.
If you are hard now and too blistered by 'The Troubles' of your own making, then be gone with you. Don't you dare leave a feeling woman perplexed and hurt. Perplexed, hurt and alone. Don't you dare Daniel Francis.
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