A much earlier post, These Misunderstandings Between Us, has garnered the most traffic to this blog with well over 3 thousand hits. I have to assume that its topic struck a chord with many people. So I have decided to continue the conversation, taking it further, with a focus on negotiating and navigating sex.
Sexual urges, no matter how frequent or infrequently they occur, are normal. If you like to do it five times a day or once a month, both of those scenarios are normal. Your desire for sexual contact is normal. When people marry, they talk about religion, finances, schooling for their children and a host of other things but rarely do people sit down with their partners and talk about sexual compatibility. If you couple with someone who wants intimacy once a day and you are a once a week person, both of you are soon to be miserable. The once a day person will feel unfulfilled followed by feelings of rejection and the once a week person is going to eventually feel put upon and stalked. All of that is a recipe for involuntary groaning. Sexual urge in reality is nothing like one sees portrayed in porn. Any number of things can interfere with sexual urges: medications, depression, fatigue, illness, dissatisfaction with your partner, and trust issues to name a few. Then there are life issues like menopause and prostate issues.
All of these issues stand in the face of a culture that inundates us with the notion that we should be having sex all the time and that if we are not there is something wrong, or unlikable about us. But we have to keep in mind that sex sells things. It sells clothing, cars, food, shampoo, menstruation products, makeup, vacation packages, and too many other things to list here.
So how do you negotiate sex? How do you get want you want and need for sexual gratification? You talk. I can't think of any other way for mature people to get what they want and need other than talking and negotiating. And then compromising, if your partner is worth it. Compromising has a negative connotation. People are willing to compromise in all sorts of situations without feeling cheated. We may easily and willingly compromise when we participate in a majority rules situation, or in a bartering manner. And bartering, which has less of a negative connotation, is what a compromising negotiation is. You are looking for the middle. That place that isn't fully either of you, one way or the other, but which is satisfactory to both of you. The middle. And the middle is usually a place of peace.
I am not physically with my readers so I do not know what any one person might need to negotiate. It may be frequency of sex or it may be a sexual act that is wanted that the other doesn't wish to engage in. My mother, years ago, after my having received a letter from a boyfriend revealing that he was bi-sexual, turned to me and said: Well all that means is you may have to engage in anal sex sometimes. She is also someone who told me that within the confines of marriage you can do anything with your spouse. I have to say, forty years later, that those words sting ring in my ears. Less so the advice about anal sex with bi-sexual men but always I understand in my heart that when you are in a committed relationship nothing should not be considered with your partner. It doesn't mean you have to engage in something you don't want to do, it simply means that if something is wanted you should listen to the entire argument, I should write, request, before it's dismissed. And your partner should be giving you ample space to consider, contemplate and ask a million questions if needed. Sex is an ongoing discussion between two people. What you liked in February may no longer be enjoyed in the fall. What you did at 25 may be annoying at 60; annoying or simply physically impossible. Sex drives change with age but the notion that older people don't crave affection or love is an unfortunate notion. With age comes the freedom of sex without the fear of unwanted pregnancies. Age also makes us more discriminant about who we choose to have sex with, and age makes it easier to say no, or not like this, like that. Sweden makes wonderful films about love and sex amongst a senior population as does China. Basically everything remains the same we just do it with greying hair and slacker skin.
Here is Dear Prudence addressing a letter writer who is attempting to negotiate sex with her partner. Scroll to the NO A-SEXUALS submission. Prudence rightfully acknowledges to the woman that it is good she has discovered what her true sexual urges are but also acknowledges that her partners desires can not possibly be met with her new found identity. The letter writer seems to think that the occasional mercy sex she might throw at her boyfriend should be tolerated by him. People have all sorts of notions about sex and it is human nature to think that what we want should be shared by all. In this case, her offer of occasional sex, that she doesn't really want to have in the first place but which she will do to make him happy is not the middle ground we are after. No one wants charity sex on an on-going basis. People want to feel loved and desired, not fed like a stray cat. The letter writer and her boyfriend are not sexually compatible on any level. These two people have no middle ground to discuss or to find.
The other item I would like to close with is the importance of not ridiculing your partners' requests. Just because you don't do a particular act doesn't mean the act is wrong. What you find acceptable another person may find horrifying. There is nothing that people do sexually which they enjoy that is wrong or bad. It simply may be a case of: you don't know until you've tried it or you've tried it and you don't like it. But anything done sexually between loving partners who are open to each other and whom can negotiate well should be up for discussion and considered with an open heart.
Sexual urges, no matter how frequent or infrequently they occur, are normal. If you like to do it five times a day or once a month, both of those scenarios are normal. Your desire for sexual contact is normal. When people marry, they talk about religion, finances, schooling for their children and a host of other things but rarely do people sit down with their partners and talk about sexual compatibility. If you couple with someone who wants intimacy once a day and you are a once a week person, both of you are soon to be miserable. The once a day person will feel unfulfilled followed by feelings of rejection and the once a week person is going to eventually feel put upon and stalked. All of that is a recipe for involuntary groaning. Sexual urge in reality is nothing like one sees portrayed in porn. Any number of things can interfere with sexual urges: medications, depression, fatigue, illness, dissatisfaction with your partner, and trust issues to name a few. Then there are life issues like menopause and prostate issues.
All of these issues stand in the face of a culture that inundates us with the notion that we should be having sex all the time and that if we are not there is something wrong, or unlikable about us. But we have to keep in mind that sex sells things. It sells clothing, cars, food, shampoo, menstruation products, makeup, vacation packages, and too many other things to list here.
So how do you negotiate sex? How do you get want you want and need for sexual gratification? You talk. I can't think of any other way for mature people to get what they want and need other than talking and negotiating. And then compromising, if your partner is worth it. Compromising has a negative connotation. People are willing to compromise in all sorts of situations without feeling cheated. We may easily and willingly compromise when we participate in a majority rules situation, or in a bartering manner. And bartering, which has less of a negative connotation, is what a compromising negotiation is. You are looking for the middle. That place that isn't fully either of you, one way or the other, but which is satisfactory to both of you. The middle. And the middle is usually a place of peace.
I am not physically with my readers so I do not know what any one person might need to negotiate. It may be frequency of sex or it may be a sexual act that is wanted that the other doesn't wish to engage in. My mother, years ago, after my having received a letter from a boyfriend revealing that he was bi-sexual, turned to me and said: Well all that means is you may have to engage in anal sex sometimes. She is also someone who told me that within the confines of marriage you can do anything with your spouse. I have to say, forty years later, that those words sting ring in my ears. Less so the advice about anal sex with bi-sexual men but always I understand in my heart that when you are in a committed relationship nothing should not be considered with your partner. It doesn't mean you have to engage in something you don't want to do, it simply means that if something is wanted you should listen to the entire argument, I should write, request, before it's dismissed. And your partner should be giving you ample space to consider, contemplate and ask a million questions if needed. Sex is an ongoing discussion between two people. What you liked in February may no longer be enjoyed in the fall. What you did at 25 may be annoying at 60; annoying or simply physically impossible. Sex drives change with age but the notion that older people don't crave affection or love is an unfortunate notion. With age comes the freedom of sex without the fear of unwanted pregnancies. Age also makes us more discriminant about who we choose to have sex with, and age makes it easier to say no, or not like this, like that. Sweden makes wonderful films about love and sex amongst a senior population as does China. Basically everything remains the same we just do it with greying hair and slacker skin.
Here is Dear Prudence addressing a letter writer who is attempting to negotiate sex with her partner. Scroll to the NO A-SEXUALS submission. Prudence rightfully acknowledges to the woman that it is good she has discovered what her true sexual urges are but also acknowledges that her partners desires can not possibly be met with her new found identity. The letter writer seems to think that the occasional mercy sex she might throw at her boyfriend should be tolerated by him. People have all sorts of notions about sex and it is human nature to think that what we want should be shared by all. In this case, her offer of occasional sex, that she doesn't really want to have in the first place but which she will do to make him happy is not the middle ground we are after. No one wants charity sex on an on-going basis. People want to feel loved and desired, not fed like a stray cat. The letter writer and her boyfriend are not sexually compatible on any level. These two people have no middle ground to discuss or to find.
The other item I would like to close with is the importance of not ridiculing your partners' requests. Just because you don't do a particular act doesn't mean the act is wrong. What you find acceptable another person may find horrifying. There is nothing that people do sexually which they enjoy that is wrong or bad. It simply may be a case of: you don't know until you've tried it or you've tried it and you don't like it. But anything done sexually between loving partners who are open to each other and whom can negotiate well should be up for discussion and considered with an open heart.
Comments