INTRODUCTION
I have wanted to write this entry for years; I just never got around to it. When I toyed with it I just felt that I wasn't qualified to write about therapy. Too I felt that had I anything to say I should remain silent because I imagined my path shouldn't be pushed upon or cause influence to others. But I have come to the realization that too many people have no clue what the therapeutic process should look like so I write from a place that shares my own experiences in an attempt to inform those in need.
The very real problem with finding a good therapist is that we seek help from a vulnerable, sometimes desperate starting point. We are troubled, depressed, or in some sort of crisis that can leave us blind to details that are crucial to finding a good therapist.
So how do you find a therapist when you are not yourself, when you feel as though you are falling apart at the seams, when you're desperate to talk to someone, -- you imagine anyone- And there is no emergency room, or otherwise, to go to where a group of therapists are lined up for a type of speed dating interview. Like most of us you have to hunt and peck at the start, pouring your heart out, sometimes time after time, only to discover you are involved with a therapist who is an ill match or at worst, a danger to your well being. How do the emotionally vulnerable protect themselves when they are too vulnerable to do so?
DO'S AND DONT'S
Let me begin by stating what a therapist is not:
Your therapist is not your friend. Having dinner with, drinks with, or hanging out with your therapist is a big red flag of inappropriate expectations, as well as being completely unethical.
Your therapist is a professional person who is there to draw boundaries and to help you achieve your goals of growth. While it is tempting, and understandable that a close relationship might be wished for with your therapist a good therapist will never cross the line and become a social friend of yours.
Your therapist should not be doing most of the talking. The problem with a therapist doing most of the talking is it is easy, as the patient, to become confused about who needs the help. You need to know that your therapist has sturdy shoulders. You don't want to hear about the problems your therapist might have because it is you that is paying for a service and the service you are paying for is for a guide through your own dilemmas. A talkative therapist, in my experience, is a therapist who has an ill guided need to be in therapy themselves and/or has completely forgotten their role as a therapist.
Your therapist should never ask to borrow money. If he or she needs money, let them go to a bank or ask their own circle of friends. Why are they asking you? Do you ask strangers who are vulnerable for money? If you are in therapy, you are in a vulnerable state. Do not lend money to your therapist and if they ask, find another therapist and report the one that did ask.
Your therapist should never hint, suggest, or say out loud that they find you attractive sexually, ever. Keep reminding yourself why you went into therapy in the first place. It was not to find a sexual partner, it was to get help. If you went to your primary care physician and during your prostate or breast exam you were told you were cute and asked would you like to go for drinks you would at first freeze, then freak out, and finally, once gone from the office, you would report your physician to the medical board for gross misconduct.
Your therapist should not be using their phone to take notes or record your sessions. Their cell phone, nor yours, should not be anywhere to be seen or heard. Likewise the clock should not be somewhere obvious to you.
By no means is my list complete. Here is a more complete and fleshed out list.
Your therapist should always be on time for your appointments. Unlike a medical emergency at a doctor's office there are rarely medical emergencies in a therapist's office. If the patient before you always runs over their allotted time, leaving your appointment running late that is a problem with the therapist and is an indication that he or she does not have boundaries with the patient he or she is in with prior to your appointment and it is also an indication that he or she does not respect your time. Now if you like to keep talking past your allotted time or tend to not get busy with your time until quarter to the end of your appointment, you may wish to examine that. It is typical behaviour of some patients who need to test boundaries or might have a need to see if they are special to their therapist. You should be special to your therapist, but you should also get up and leave when your time is up. You are not that special and the patient after you is waiting.
THE PRACTICAL
You sometimes get what you pay for. A doctor of psychology is going to charge a lot more for for therapy than a person holding a masters degree. That being said they are also probably going to know more and be in therapy themselves. Why do you want your therapist to be in therapy? Because if your therapist is struggling to help you, or has their own transference issues with you, he or she will need to talk to someone that is not you! Being a therapist should never been seen as having all the answers. But wise, adult people, when they don't have answers, go elsewhere to find good solutions. If your therapist is asking you for help, why in the world is money being exchanged?
Most therapy, in the United States, and I suspect worldwide, is provided by a person holding a Masters degree with some necessary licenses tacked on. This is not to say this degree should be avoided but one needs to ask questions.
If you need a cardiologist you don't call a gynecologist. If you have trauma issues you don't call a marriage counselour. If you need a marriage counsleour, you don't call a therapist that specializes in children. Like an MD/Primary doctor, therapists specialize in fields. They are not all miraculously qualified in all fields. Find out what their specialty is. If they claim they specialize in everything from soup to nuts then they probably either need money, are beginning their practice and trying to get patients, or worse lying and can't fully and truly help you.
If you are seeking a therapist who is operating out of a clinic you would be wise to ask, before signing up, if they have plans to leave in the next year. You do not want to get involved with a therapist, have six sessions and be told s/he is leaving and transferring you to someone else. Transferring you to someone else immediately takes your choice and comfort out of your hands and you do not want to be in therapy with sloppy seconds.
NARROWING YOUR SEARCH
How do you narrow your search when you feel desperate and need someone to talk to now? How do you narrow your search down so the likelihood of a good match comes at the beginning of your attempts rather than years later, or worse case scenario, you give up and don't get the help you need?
Follow your instincts, listen carefully, and know what the guidelines are for therapists. Again, here is the list of what you want to avoid.
Make a list that might look something like this:
Do you want a male of female therapist? Why? Does it matter?
What does this therapist specialize in? Pay close attention to what is said and re-read The Practical above.
Does the therapist have hours that you can keep?
Can the therapist guarantee a set time to see you? Are you being juggled?
Why do you want to go into therapy?
What are you unhappy with about your life?
Does the therapist have an office or are you seen in their private home? You don't want a therapist who sees patients in their home. It clouds boundaries, and adds too many transference and unnecessary issues to your sessions. Trust me on this. You are in therapy for your issues and you should not be distracted by any personal items that involve the personal life of your therapist. Again, your therapist is not a paid friend. They are a paid professional there to help you work your way through your shit.
Is the age of your therapist important to you?
A BRIEF EXPLANATION OF WHAT 'TRANSFERENCE' IS
First let me clarify that transference can and does happen to both the patient and the therapist. As the patient, you are under no obligation to worry about this issue, but your therapist should be watching it like a two year old left alone. It works like this:
Transference is the feelings and perceptions, that do not belong to you, but rather to the person doing the projecting, from their own history or confusion pertaining to who they are talking to. Later, under the heading, The Therapeutic Process I give an example of my own experience with transference. I became angry at my therapist for entering the waiting room in a manner that caused me great upset. I was really upset and angry about someone else, ages ago, who frequently entered my room causing me great turmoil. I transferred my anger to my therapist. I projected onto him feelings and emotions that really belonged elsewhere and where from another time.
One of the reasons a responsible therapist might be in therapy themselves is because we all are prone to transferring and projecting emotions on to people that are really not the root cause of our feelings. If a patient comes in and has behaviours that remind the therapist of their own issues, it is equally possible that your therapist may project their feelings on to you. Your therapist needs to have a place to go to to talk about what feelings you, the patient, brings up in him or her.
You as the patient should not really second guess yourself in this area because it's kind of your job, if you are working well together, to transfer and project your shit all over the place, but part of that job is to eventually see what you are doing, and make sturdy, clear connections to what you are doing and why. Your therapist, if they are having transference, projection issues with you, should be seeing a therapist of their own to discuss what is happening to him or her. You are not the person they should be discussing this with. If they can not resolve their issues then the ethical thing for them to do, is to excuse themselves as your therapist, and to refer you elsewhere. It is not to tell you why your shit messes with their head. They should remain professional, ethical throughout, and simply refer you to another therapist. Look at it this way, don't you want to be told ASAP that your therapist feels unqualified to care for you? It is really no different than being told by your primary care physician, that s/he knows another doctor more qualified to help you. Don't take it personally.
WHAT TO EXPECT NOW THAT YOU'RE IN THE DOOR AND SEATED
Assuming you have conducted a telephone interview with the therapist whom you have decided to meet with you should be somewhat sure that the voice you heard over the phone matches what you now see. Let me backtrack a bit. If I am in my senior years (45-70) do I really want a therapist who is fresh out of school? In their thirties? No amount of reading theoretical materiel can replace life experience. Older people can always look back and remember but the young can never look forward and know. So you want to know that the therapist you have chosen is literally wise rather than a therapist because they want to help people like their grandmother.
In your first session you will be answering more questions than talking. This is just the preliminary collection of data. If you enter this first session bursting at the seams to talk, then the therapist should allow you to burst and collect information when you are bursting less so.
If you can, pay attention to how your therapist responds to you. The expression on their face. Do they look perplexed? Horrified? Amused? Disinterested? Do they adopt a sympathetic expression or one that conveys suspicion? Do they fidget? Does the telephone ring? Do they answer the phone? How do you feel talking to them? Remember, this is about you, not them.
It is quite reasonable that you may not be able to do all of these things on a first session. You may be in significant turmoil and just not able to do these things. But when you go home and reflect you should be thinking about these things. Simply, did you have an experience that warrants a second appointment? If you didn't, then do not waste your time, keep looking.
It is difficult to explain the therapeutic process. But not unlike how we go about building trust with the people in our lives, we must do the same with a therapist.
THE THERAPEUTIC PROCESS
This section is my very own personal understanding of the therapeutic process, how it works and why it works when you are with a right fit.
Most of us go into therapy because we have a behaviour that is not working for us. You may go into therapy to talk about your shitty friend but with enough time in therapy we might have to question why you keep hanging out with your shitty friend. It all comes down to you in the end.
Your therapist is the good parent you never had. You are the child. The parent does not borrow money, have sex with, or abuse the child for any reason. The parent is the adult. The sober one.
The child complains, pushes boundaries, and wanders around asking endless questions. The child is also prone to temper tantrums and sometimes hauls off and tells their parent to fuck off. The child also finds it difficult to make connections. They learn quickly when they put their hand in the stove flame, but they are slower to learn how to tie their shoe laces or don shoes on the correct foot. Over time, however children eventually do learn. Over time; practice makes good habits; not perfection but rather a quicker response to remembering the flame.
Your parent/therapist is meant to be tested. You, the child needs to know you are safe. You might tell your therapist you are attracted to them but a sober parent, smiles and will not engage with you on that level. You may yell at your parent/therapist but a good parent will continue the relationship without punishing you for your feelings.
As you test your parent/therapist and as you notice that they are consistent and sturdy you, the child, should feel freer and more confident to go further with your saga. Boundaries are crucial to this dynamic. If your parent/therapist has no boundaries, you will not get better. You will not only not get better but you may be worse off than when you began.
Because of the vulnerable state in which many of us enter therapy it is absolutely unfortunate that there are so many truly bad therapists out there. In my books it is a crime. But therapy that works is a collaboration. You the child/patient are just as responsible as your parent/therapist.
You should be doing homework. You should leave each session with thoughts that lead to more questions for your next session. If you go to therapy but don't feel comfortable telling your therapist what you really want to talk about and you are on session 15, you might wish to question that. Why are you wasting your time and money with someone you don't feel comfortable talking to? Why don't you feel comfortable talking to your parent/therapist? If you have an answer to that question then you should speak about it to your parent/therapist. If they respond with anger, defensiveness or in some other hostile or blaming manner then you have the answer to why you don't feel comfortable opening up. If your therapist listens to what you have said and finds a practical solution with you to your obstacle then you are still within a good therapeutic realm.
The term 'therapeutic breakthrough' is when the child/patient finally speaks to the parent/therapist in a way he or she was/is unable to do with the people in their personal lives - the real parent. Let me give you an example:
Once while in therapy, I was given a specific appointment time which I showed up for. When my time to enter the office came I could always hear my therapist walking down the hall towards the waiting room where I sat. I knew he was coming, I could hear him and he was expected. But each time he entered the waiting room I jumped out of my skin. I jumped out of my skin every single week and after a year or so of this, I marched into my session and yelled at him asking why he had to enter the waiting room like: he was fucking after someone. I was furious. And I was angry, that week after week I felt terrified. His response was to simply ask me what it reminded me of...
That question got to the root of the problem but on his part he forever after knocked on the door first before entering. Your goal in therapy is to feel comfortable enough with your parent/therapist to get to those places of pain within yourself which you reveal to your parent/therapist who hears and takes in the information responsibly, carefully, and always with you and your needs coming first.
And that unfortunately, takes a long time to get to.
I do not personally believe therapy can last three sessions. There is therapy designed for a crisis/acute situations which tend to be shorter in duration but if we go into therapy to really get to the root of things in our lives this takes time, commitment, and the building up of trust.
Think of a therapist as a cosmetic surgeon of your psyche. Your goal is to come out looking better than when you went in. You do not want to emerge feeling worse or behaving like a Stepford wife/husband. You want to emerge as yourself, only emotionally stronger.
A SPECIAL NOTE
All therapists are not created equal. Your therapist might be racist, homophobic, or have religious ideas that prevent them from seeing you as you are and your specific needs. Do not think for one moment that being a therapist releases one from prejudice.
I have had therapists tell me, (a person of colour), that black people don't do X,Y,Z. I am not suggesting that you only find a therapist that is of the same race, or has the same sexual identity as you because that will not be an indicator that they are going to be of help to you. But if the therapist can't relate to you or is not well read, how are they going to help you? Just be aware of this when you are searching for a therapist. It is OK to ask of your potential therapist if they have a particular experience in a particular area, and how much experience with people of colour, certain cultures, sexual preferences or a particular religion they may have.
Remember, your goal is to ease your trauma, not shop around and collect more. Make your own list of what is important to you and then call around. Some things on your list will be non-debatable, other items you may feel more lenient about. The clearer you are in your search the better outcome you will have in what you eventually find.
In closing here is a list of places to look for therapists that may provide services to individuals irregardless of any affiliation:
Pastoral Counseling
Jewish Organizations
Refugee Services
Some universities, which graduate Ph.D candidates in therapy, have their own clinics set up so that recent graduates can complete their practicum, with oversight, and at the same time upon graduation, are allowed to take a select few patients into their eventual private practice.
Finally, finding therapy when you are living in a country/culture different from your own will be, at times, a difficult process. Cultural practices and expectations can not be separated from therapy. Language can become an obstacle and oversight may be non-existent. That said, follow your instincts. If it is weird in your culture the odds are it is is weird in the new culture. All of the principles I have listed above are applicable worldwide in a therapeutic relationship. If you find things much more lax then you are comfortable with in your new country, it is still warranted and acceptable for you to ask your therapist to stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable.
I have wanted to write this entry for years; I just never got around to it. When I toyed with it I just felt that I wasn't qualified to write about therapy. Too I felt that had I anything to say I should remain silent because I imagined my path shouldn't be pushed upon or cause influence to others. But I have come to the realization that too many people have no clue what the therapeutic process should look like so I write from a place that shares my own experiences in an attempt to inform those in need.
The very real problem with finding a good therapist is that we seek help from a vulnerable, sometimes desperate starting point. We are troubled, depressed, or in some sort of crisis that can leave us blind to details that are crucial to finding a good therapist.
So how do you find a therapist when you are not yourself, when you feel as though you are falling apart at the seams, when you're desperate to talk to someone, -- you imagine anyone- And there is no emergency room, or otherwise, to go to where a group of therapists are lined up for a type of speed dating interview. Like most of us you have to hunt and peck at the start, pouring your heart out, sometimes time after time, only to discover you are involved with a therapist who is an ill match or at worst, a danger to your well being. How do the emotionally vulnerable protect themselves when they are too vulnerable to do so?
DO'S AND DONT'S
Let me begin by stating what a therapist is not:
Your therapist is not your friend. Having dinner with, drinks with, or hanging out with your therapist is a big red flag of inappropriate expectations, as well as being completely unethical.
Your therapist is a professional person who is there to draw boundaries and to help you achieve your goals of growth. While it is tempting, and understandable that a close relationship might be wished for with your therapist a good therapist will never cross the line and become a social friend of yours.
Your therapist should not be doing most of the talking. The problem with a therapist doing most of the talking is it is easy, as the patient, to become confused about who needs the help. You need to know that your therapist has sturdy shoulders. You don't want to hear about the problems your therapist might have because it is you that is paying for a service and the service you are paying for is for a guide through your own dilemmas. A talkative therapist, in my experience, is a therapist who has an ill guided need to be in therapy themselves and/or has completely forgotten their role as a therapist.
Your therapist should never ask to borrow money. If he or she needs money, let them go to a bank or ask their own circle of friends. Why are they asking you? Do you ask strangers who are vulnerable for money? If you are in therapy, you are in a vulnerable state. Do not lend money to your therapist and if they ask, find another therapist and report the one that did ask.
Your therapist should never hint, suggest, or say out loud that they find you attractive sexually, ever. Keep reminding yourself why you went into therapy in the first place. It was not to find a sexual partner, it was to get help. If you went to your primary care physician and during your prostate or breast exam you were told you were cute and asked would you like to go for drinks you would at first freeze, then freak out, and finally, once gone from the office, you would report your physician to the medical board for gross misconduct.
Your therapist should not be using their phone to take notes or record your sessions. Their cell phone, nor yours, should not be anywhere to be seen or heard. Likewise the clock should not be somewhere obvious to you.
By no means is my list complete. Here is a more complete and fleshed out list.
Your therapist should always be on time for your appointments. Unlike a medical emergency at a doctor's office there are rarely medical emergencies in a therapist's office. If the patient before you always runs over their allotted time, leaving your appointment running late that is a problem with the therapist and is an indication that he or she does not have boundaries with the patient he or she is in with prior to your appointment and it is also an indication that he or she does not respect your time. Now if you like to keep talking past your allotted time or tend to not get busy with your time until quarter to the end of your appointment, you may wish to examine that. It is typical behaviour of some patients who need to test boundaries or might have a need to see if they are special to their therapist. You should be special to your therapist, but you should also get up and leave when your time is up. You are not that special and the patient after you is waiting.
THE PRACTICAL
You sometimes get what you pay for. A doctor of psychology is going to charge a lot more for for therapy than a person holding a masters degree. That being said they are also probably going to know more and be in therapy themselves. Why do you want your therapist to be in therapy? Because if your therapist is struggling to help you, or has their own transference issues with you, he or she will need to talk to someone that is not you! Being a therapist should never been seen as having all the answers. But wise, adult people, when they don't have answers, go elsewhere to find good solutions. If your therapist is asking you for help, why in the world is money being exchanged?
Most therapy, in the United States, and I suspect worldwide, is provided by a person holding a Masters degree with some necessary licenses tacked on. This is not to say this degree should be avoided but one needs to ask questions.
If you need a cardiologist you don't call a gynecologist. If you have trauma issues you don't call a marriage counselour. If you need a marriage counsleour, you don't call a therapist that specializes in children. Like an MD/Primary doctor, therapists specialize in fields. They are not all miraculously qualified in all fields. Find out what their specialty is. If they claim they specialize in everything from soup to nuts then they probably either need money, are beginning their practice and trying to get patients, or worse lying and can't fully and truly help you.
If you are seeking a therapist who is operating out of a clinic you would be wise to ask, before signing up, if they have plans to leave in the next year. You do not want to get involved with a therapist, have six sessions and be told s/he is leaving and transferring you to someone else. Transferring you to someone else immediately takes your choice and comfort out of your hands and you do not want to be in therapy with sloppy seconds.
NARROWING YOUR SEARCH
How do you narrow your search when you feel desperate and need someone to talk to now? How do you narrow your search down so the likelihood of a good match comes at the beginning of your attempts rather than years later, or worse case scenario, you give up and don't get the help you need?
Follow your instincts, listen carefully, and know what the guidelines are for therapists. Again, here is the list of what you want to avoid.
Make a list that might look something like this:
Do you want a male of female therapist? Why? Does it matter?
What does this therapist specialize in? Pay close attention to what is said and re-read The Practical above.
Does the therapist have hours that you can keep?
Can the therapist guarantee a set time to see you? Are you being juggled?
Why do you want to go into therapy?
What are you unhappy with about your life?
Does the therapist have an office or are you seen in their private home? You don't want a therapist who sees patients in their home. It clouds boundaries, and adds too many transference and unnecessary issues to your sessions. Trust me on this. You are in therapy for your issues and you should not be distracted by any personal items that involve the personal life of your therapist. Again, your therapist is not a paid friend. They are a paid professional there to help you work your way through your shit.
Is the age of your therapist important to you?
A BRIEF EXPLANATION OF WHAT 'TRANSFERENCE' IS
First let me clarify that transference can and does happen to both the patient and the therapist. As the patient, you are under no obligation to worry about this issue, but your therapist should be watching it like a two year old left alone. It works like this:
Transference is the feelings and perceptions, that do not belong to you, but rather to the person doing the projecting, from their own history or confusion pertaining to who they are talking to. Later, under the heading, The Therapeutic Process I give an example of my own experience with transference. I became angry at my therapist for entering the waiting room in a manner that caused me great upset. I was really upset and angry about someone else, ages ago, who frequently entered my room causing me great turmoil. I transferred my anger to my therapist. I projected onto him feelings and emotions that really belonged elsewhere and where from another time.
One of the reasons a responsible therapist might be in therapy themselves is because we all are prone to transferring and projecting emotions on to people that are really not the root cause of our feelings. If a patient comes in and has behaviours that remind the therapist of their own issues, it is equally possible that your therapist may project their feelings on to you. Your therapist needs to have a place to go to to talk about what feelings you, the patient, brings up in him or her.
You as the patient should not really second guess yourself in this area because it's kind of your job, if you are working well together, to transfer and project your shit all over the place, but part of that job is to eventually see what you are doing, and make sturdy, clear connections to what you are doing and why. Your therapist, if they are having transference, projection issues with you, should be seeing a therapist of their own to discuss what is happening to him or her. You are not the person they should be discussing this with. If they can not resolve their issues then the ethical thing for them to do, is to excuse themselves as your therapist, and to refer you elsewhere. It is not to tell you why your shit messes with their head. They should remain professional, ethical throughout, and simply refer you to another therapist. Look at it this way, don't you want to be told ASAP that your therapist feels unqualified to care for you? It is really no different than being told by your primary care physician, that s/he knows another doctor more qualified to help you. Don't take it personally.
WHAT TO EXPECT NOW THAT YOU'RE IN THE DOOR AND SEATED
Assuming you have conducted a telephone interview with the therapist whom you have decided to meet with you should be somewhat sure that the voice you heard over the phone matches what you now see. Let me backtrack a bit. If I am in my senior years (45-70) do I really want a therapist who is fresh out of school? In their thirties? No amount of reading theoretical materiel can replace life experience. Older people can always look back and remember but the young can never look forward and know. So you want to know that the therapist you have chosen is literally wise rather than a therapist because they want to help people like their grandmother.
In your first session you will be answering more questions than talking. This is just the preliminary collection of data. If you enter this first session bursting at the seams to talk, then the therapist should allow you to burst and collect information when you are bursting less so.
If you can, pay attention to how your therapist responds to you. The expression on their face. Do they look perplexed? Horrified? Amused? Disinterested? Do they adopt a sympathetic expression or one that conveys suspicion? Do they fidget? Does the telephone ring? Do they answer the phone? How do you feel talking to them? Remember, this is about you, not them.
It is quite reasonable that you may not be able to do all of these things on a first session. You may be in significant turmoil and just not able to do these things. But when you go home and reflect you should be thinking about these things. Simply, did you have an experience that warrants a second appointment? If you didn't, then do not waste your time, keep looking.
It is difficult to explain the therapeutic process. But not unlike how we go about building trust with the people in our lives, we must do the same with a therapist.
THE THERAPEUTIC PROCESS
This section is my very own personal understanding of the therapeutic process, how it works and why it works when you are with a right fit.
Most of us go into therapy because we have a behaviour that is not working for us. You may go into therapy to talk about your shitty friend but with enough time in therapy we might have to question why you keep hanging out with your shitty friend. It all comes down to you in the end.
Your therapist is the good parent you never had. You are the child. The parent does not borrow money, have sex with, or abuse the child for any reason. The parent is the adult. The sober one.
The child complains, pushes boundaries, and wanders around asking endless questions. The child is also prone to temper tantrums and sometimes hauls off and tells their parent to fuck off. The child also finds it difficult to make connections. They learn quickly when they put their hand in the stove flame, but they are slower to learn how to tie their shoe laces or don shoes on the correct foot. Over time, however children eventually do learn. Over time; practice makes good habits; not perfection but rather a quicker response to remembering the flame.
Your parent/therapist is meant to be tested. You, the child needs to know you are safe. You might tell your therapist you are attracted to them but a sober parent, smiles and will not engage with you on that level. You may yell at your parent/therapist but a good parent will continue the relationship without punishing you for your feelings.
As you test your parent/therapist and as you notice that they are consistent and sturdy you, the child, should feel freer and more confident to go further with your saga. Boundaries are crucial to this dynamic. If your parent/therapist has no boundaries, you will not get better. You will not only not get better but you may be worse off than when you began.
Because of the vulnerable state in which many of us enter therapy it is absolutely unfortunate that there are so many truly bad therapists out there. In my books it is a crime. But therapy that works is a collaboration. You the child/patient are just as responsible as your parent/therapist.
You should be doing homework. You should leave each session with thoughts that lead to more questions for your next session. If you go to therapy but don't feel comfortable telling your therapist what you really want to talk about and you are on session 15, you might wish to question that. Why are you wasting your time and money with someone you don't feel comfortable talking to? Why don't you feel comfortable talking to your parent/therapist? If you have an answer to that question then you should speak about it to your parent/therapist. If they respond with anger, defensiveness or in some other hostile or blaming manner then you have the answer to why you don't feel comfortable opening up. If your therapist listens to what you have said and finds a practical solution with you to your obstacle then you are still within a good therapeutic realm.
The term 'therapeutic breakthrough' is when the child/patient finally speaks to the parent/therapist in a way he or she was/is unable to do with the people in their personal lives - the real parent. Let me give you an example:
Once while in therapy, I was given a specific appointment time which I showed up for. When my time to enter the office came I could always hear my therapist walking down the hall towards the waiting room where I sat. I knew he was coming, I could hear him and he was expected. But each time he entered the waiting room I jumped out of my skin. I jumped out of my skin every single week and after a year or so of this, I marched into my session and yelled at him asking why he had to enter the waiting room like: he was fucking after someone. I was furious. And I was angry, that week after week I felt terrified. His response was to simply ask me what it reminded me of...
That question got to the root of the problem but on his part he forever after knocked on the door first before entering. Your goal in therapy is to feel comfortable enough with your parent/therapist to get to those places of pain within yourself which you reveal to your parent/therapist who hears and takes in the information responsibly, carefully, and always with you and your needs coming first.
And that unfortunately, takes a long time to get to.
I do not personally believe therapy can last three sessions. There is therapy designed for a crisis/acute situations which tend to be shorter in duration but if we go into therapy to really get to the root of things in our lives this takes time, commitment, and the building up of trust.
Think of a therapist as a cosmetic surgeon of your psyche. Your goal is to come out looking better than when you went in. You do not want to emerge feeling worse or behaving like a Stepford wife/husband. You want to emerge as yourself, only emotionally stronger.
A SPECIAL NOTE
All therapists are not created equal. Your therapist might be racist, homophobic, or have religious ideas that prevent them from seeing you as you are and your specific needs. Do not think for one moment that being a therapist releases one from prejudice.
I have had therapists tell me, (a person of colour), that black people don't do X,Y,Z. I am not suggesting that you only find a therapist that is of the same race, or has the same sexual identity as you because that will not be an indicator that they are going to be of help to you. But if the therapist can't relate to you or is not well read, how are they going to help you? Just be aware of this when you are searching for a therapist. It is OK to ask of your potential therapist if they have a particular experience in a particular area, and how much experience with people of colour, certain cultures, sexual preferences or a particular religion they may have.
Remember, your goal is to ease your trauma, not shop around and collect more. Make your own list of what is important to you and then call around. Some things on your list will be non-debatable, other items you may feel more lenient about. The clearer you are in your search the better outcome you will have in what you eventually find.
In closing here is a list of places to look for therapists that may provide services to individuals irregardless of any affiliation:
Pastoral Counseling
Jewish Organizations
Refugee Services
Some universities, which graduate Ph.D candidates in therapy, have their own clinics set up so that recent graduates can complete their practicum, with oversight, and at the same time upon graduation, are allowed to take a select few patients into their eventual private practice.
Finally, finding therapy when you are living in a country/culture different from your own will be, at times, a difficult process. Cultural practices and expectations can not be separated from therapy. Language can become an obstacle and oversight may be non-existent. That said, follow your instincts. If it is weird in your culture the odds are it is is weird in the new culture. All of the principles I have listed above are applicable worldwide in a therapeutic relationship. If you find things much more lax then you are comfortable with in your new country, it is still warranted and acceptable for you to ask your therapist to stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable.
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