fromthemouthofmoi

I am greeted by an amalgamation of all my former lovers. The skin of one, that hair of another. The smell of one, the natter of another. We sit by the seaside looking at shells. I am in the company of the familiar. They have returned for one more conversation.

No, I am not suicidal. I am writing about the cycles of life as we head towards death. Inevitable death. Right now I am composing on an iPad which was all I was left to write upon by the feral one. Soon I will be with a proper instrument again and I will again explore themes of death, cycles and what I think the purpose of life, my life, has been. I will also be exploring what happens to us as we near death. How do we emotionally prepare for death so that the event becomes an easy thing rather than something to dread? So no, I'm not feeling suicidal as some of you have written to ask.

My skin no longer fits well The people around me seem too small I'm uncomfortable I feel impeded, and kept back by those Who are lame, confused, blissfully ignorant. There are those that spend too much time telling others they are wrong They are not right either, Everyone holds another truth Let it go, let it be You will still be ok, if you don't win this hand All this stuff I have I want it to go Let it be in other homes reminding others of me I want space to think clearly, A place that reminds me of the sea I want to line up my stones and give each a name Skipping them on water, one by one Never to be seen again.

I have recently come full circle. I have returned to where I began. I took notes for the last 50 years insuring I had records I could return to should I forget. What took years to understand, I understand. What I had no words for, no right to, no power against, I stand today with a straight spine. I learned my lessons well. I am ready for death. What is a life? Is it time well spent? Is it spent consciously? Or do we spend it unconsciously hoping for the best? I came full circle returning to what I knew best. I returned with lingering melancholia and an ever present lachrymose air. I returned looking, testing, hoping to see, wanting to see, if things had changed. They have. I returned with a strength I once did not have. I returned knowing I did not have to stay. I returned with the full knowledge that it was you and never me. That gem I tend to like large diamonds clutched close to my chest. I feel serene as if glowing with the accumulation of all things ancient and beautiful. I ...

I'm happy. Things are getting done and dusted. Spoke to J and he will be here to visit me and Mexico soon. He and I have known one another since I was 20 and he was 27. I hope he moves here to keep me, and of course him, company in our old age. He likes animals. Spoke to P who gave me a 70%-30% ratio of his odds of coming here. He's 80 plus now but I can't bear the thought of never seeing him face to face again. I'm the chick who'd be like the done in woman thrusting herself over the casket should he leave me. He was the, he is the, love of my life. The one man who got it all. There is nothing more precious than being understood, seen and valued. All at the same time. I have his art near, a self portrait in particular, and glancing at it gives me comfort. J! J my dear friend J just published her first book. A self published one. All I can say about it, and my readers know nothing about how I know J, is that finally I am reading a gorgeous, I mean gorgeous stea...

I'm still smarting but I'm happily plodding along with the preparations for Christmas Day dinner. Fifteen are expected and I look forward to each and every one. I shall wear my Thai made red silk dress completed with the lipstick thrown away. I shall be gorgeous and happy, feeling beautiful, and grateful for good friends. I shall persist and go on with joy. Merry Christmas to all. Love, Moira

Dear Daddy, Yesterday I found myself lonely for the first time in my life. I suddenly felt alone with a swelling need inside to talk to someone. Not just anyone but someone good and I blurted out aloud: Let me call dad! and just as suddenly I knew I couldn't.  You would have been the perfect one to have called. I can hear your voice now answering the call: Hi baby! And off we'd go for a two hour jaw wag. But you aren't here any longer and I don't have that luxury anymore. And for me, it was a luxury. So I called John. I was hesitant to call him because I have not often experienced him to be deep or sympathetic in the ways that matter to me. To the chronically ill he is the type to say: Get well soon. But call him I did and I found an old friend feeling just as I do as he has just recently lost the last of his parents; his mother. And for two hours I talked and he talked and I learned that he too felt the same pangs and fears of being single and alone and having a de...